I never felt like I could love. I could see my heart and hear the voices telling me what my TRUE motives behind my love were. I never felt secure or pure in my love.
So I met with my pastor last night. He is a pastor I have a relationship with, we went to Africa together, he and my girlfriend collided in a friendly football game and her nose bled all over her. He gives hugs like a big Alaskan snow bear, picking you up and shaking you around like a piece of small game, but with the love, warmth and heart of the smiling Coke Cola Christmas bear gently sipping a cola, with her youth and releasing a heart felt smile under the bright moon lit night surrounding them.
My friend encouraged me to visit him, saying "Pastor's have a very special calling on their life. For these things, that is why they are here." So I went, praying God would show up and I would say or hear what he wanted. Maybe, I thought, I am going just to encourage him.
I will not go into all the talk however later in the conversation, me trying to find why I was in his office, not wanting to waste his time, he looks at me and quotes Matthew 22:37 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." He then asks me if I do. It took me a minute because I was having thoughts about being there and wasting his time, however when I realized he asked me a question I promptly said "Yes" because I know this to be true. He encouraged me by saying he knows that as well and can see it in my actions. He then asked me the second part of the scripture, I know this scripture very well because it was given to me when I was first saved and is the greatest commandment in the bible. I always struggle with the second part, and it has become somewhat an area of discouragement, because of how I felt about myself. I did not like myself, many times, I hated myself. Yet my Pastor told me I did like myself and I must like myself very much because I treat others with such love. Have you ever seen the rays of the sun fighting behind the cloud coverage trying anywhere to sneak out and touch the earth's surface? You stare, knowing the sun is there, hoping and praying it will win the battle and escape from the wall that holds it back. A ray escapes for a moment and then is gone then another and then... and then it seems like the sky is ripped open by the suns force revealing its majesty. This is how my heart felt! I was in awe of the entire revelation and could barely contain myself. Pastor kept speaking right into my heart telling me there was more to me, there was something wanting to break. He told me to let it go, to be who I was meant to be, the person God created me to be. He gave me a little of his story of how he was someone else and it was not until he got comfortable in his new shell that he was able to relax and be who he really was. I could feel all of this resonating in my body. I wanted to stand up, give out a shout, stomp my foot and run like Elijah coming down from Mt. Carmel to Jezreel (he out ran Ahab's chariots being pulled by horses!!!!).
We continued to talk and the pastor prayed for me. I am so thankful for having that meeting and thank God for speaking to me as he did. I am who I am, this is good, and I am able to love as God intended for me to love, this is really good. :)
I end by praying for continued guidance, wisdom and discernment for all our pastors and leaders in the church. I pray for the rest of the body as well. May WE walk in obedience to our Lord and Savior and continue all our days in love. This is all in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
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